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Patchwork Lounge-Pants, $1,500

Sep23

denim patchwork drop-crotch lounge pants

So, these denim patchwork drop-rise lounge pants are the “work” of Greg Lauren, either a relative of Ralph or just some blind nutcase who has inexplicably been allowed to design clothing.

Priced at $1,500, this item comes with all the bells and whistles nobody wants on their jeans:  drawstring waist, ribbed knit cuffs, mismatched pockets, a carpenter’s loop, and a crotch that almost hits the knees.

Bingo, right?

Let’s not forget those patches and fake rips.

The rear view is breathtaking. Unless “breathholding” is a word.

denim patchwork drop-crotch lounge pants

They are still available in size 2 at Barneys.

Hurry! I’ll wait while you go order them.

Miu Miu Brings The Crazy

Aug18

denim miu miu jacket

Styled on the Fall ’16 runway over this mini dress, Miu Miu’s denim jacket has long tails inspired by traditional morning suits that fall below your knee. This piece is paneled with navy velvet to flatter the shoulders and has buttoned sleeve tabs that create a deliberate ruched, scrunched shape. Wear yours with the double-breasted front unfastened.

Jesus, no.

And at $2,265, are they really serious with this shit?

Here’s the front view.

miu miu denim velvet jacket2265

Can you think of one thing you could wear with this that could mitigate the horror?

Didn’t think so.

What if you saw this at Salvation Army for ten dollars?

Me neither.

Miu Miu is just fucking with us.

Skinny Denim Jeans With Shearling Fur Cuffs

Jun21

Fendi Denim with fur cuffs 2250

Admit that these Fendi jeans are magnificent.

On sale at Neiman Marcus for just $2,250, they are sure to win admiring glances from goats, sheep, and llamas.

They’ll be going, “Look, someone forgot to finish shearing off her coat!”

They won’t really notice the classic five pocket skinny cut or the cotton/spandex fabric.

But you’ll feel like a million bucks for getting such a great deal, if you wear IT size 6 or 10.

I’m not sure if I want ‘bucks’ to be a pun here.

Yes! Let’s have it be a pun.

I don’t know what else to say about this special piece except that someone at Fendi needs to die.

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Patchwork Jeans, $5,770

Jun14

roberto-cavalli-jeans 5770

Why do these jeans by Roberto Cavalli cost $5,770?

Two words: Allover applique. (I know, ‘all over’ is usually two words but not in the description by Moda Operandi, one of my favorite fashion websites.)

Medium wash, 98 per cent cotton, 2 per cent elastane. Shit allover the place. Dry clean only.

roberto-cavalli-rearview 5770

I’m sure that plenty of time and effort were involved in producing these jeans but I have so many problems with them!

The 60’s are over, for starters.

And really, what message are you sending when you wear this? Are people supposed to think you sewed on the patches yourself? That you “found” the jeans in a thrift store? That they were once your mom’s and she wore them to Woodstock?

Or that you’re an imbecile who would spend nearly 6 thousand bucks for a pair of jeans?

Maybe they’re for Cher. Some woman in Neiman Marcus once confided to me that Roberto Cavalli is one of Cher’s favorite brands. This was like 100 years ago but I’m still offended that she thought this was a selling point.

Anyway, ew. Make them go away!

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The Denim Shirt Skirt: I Think Not.

Jun3

denim shirt skirt faith connection“A shredded faded denim Faith Connexion skirt with the look of an oversized jacket. Snap closure. Unlined.”

Okay but why not just buy a huge denim jacket from a thrift-shop and tie it around your waist, if you want this look? At $501 (reduced from the original price of $836) you have to be really, really stupid to buy this tragic item.

Let’s check out the rear view:

denim shirt skirt rear view

Nope, not impressed.

Here’s a note about the brand.

The sleek, citified sensibility behind Faith Connexion apparel is inspired by elements of architecture and a pared-down, Parisian street-chic aesthetic.

Oh please. Just take it away.

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Off White+ Levis Edition Denim Jacket – $1,395

May6

off white + Levis edition denim jacket

This is a real mess that is not without an admirable disregard for appealing aesthetics.

It is a bold mishmash of undesirable elements, featuring ‘semi sheer organza panels’ with fading. distressing and staining throughout. It also has that chewed-by-squirrels aspect along the front seams that signify high end quality.

Sure, it’s $1,395, because the brand Off White is one of those Kayne-approved lines designed by some young French thug or something. Let’s not rush to judgement without seeing the rear view.

denim jacket offwhite levis rearview 1395

Now you can see where all the money went! All that fraying, the big cut-outs, will guarantee attention each time you turn your back. If you hear snickers, just ignore those stupid philistines who don’t get Luxury street-wear. Idiots. Nobodies.

 

Is Tom Ford Fucking Crazy?

Mar10

tom ford denim fur jacket

Remember when Tom Ford meant sophisticated and sexy?

Never mind. Tom Ford has lost its meaning as a brand and Tom Ford himself must have lost his mind.

Just look at this horrifying denim and fur jacket, priced at a baffling $5,590.00.

Stretch denim with dyed rabbit. Shouldn’t this be like $150 at Macy’s? I don’t understand! No comprende, Tom!

Here’s the back view, just so you have no illusions that the back is studded with Colombian emeralds.

tom forf denim 2

Notice how awful those puffy shoulders look. Even the collar is offensive.

I hope you’ll agree this is a very special piece, combining visual repulsiveness with astronomical price, and a suggestion of moral bankruptcy.

This will be a hard act to follow but Tom may be up for it.

Only one left at Neiman Marcus!

Thank Junya For Raising The Bar

Sep28

junya denim dress 2 955

This denim and wool jersey dress by Junya Watanabe says ‘FUN!’ or maybe ‘SUCKER!’

Either way, I know we all love trompe l’oeil fashion because we are all surrealists at heart.

You know what, this is just too stupid. There is no excuse for it. Tie your jeans around a dress if you feel you must but don’t pay $955 for Junya to fuck around like this. Don’t encourage him.

Here, look at the back.

junya denim dress 3 955

Famed for his innovative ability to deconstruct silhouettes, Junya Watanabe designed this midi dress to look like two pieces in one. Detailed with a gathered asymmetric front, it’s cut from faded light-blue denim and black wool-jersey. We like it best paired with brogues.

When you walk, it will look even more upsetting.

Just wear brogues and hope no one recognizes you.

Net-a-porter, $955 and hurry, medium and large are already sold out.

Saint Laurent Shorts, $750

Sep19

St Laurent printed denim shortsSaint Laurent‘s high-rise denim shorts have been made in Japan and printed with stars – a signature motif. This pair has a frayed hem that gives them a love-worn finish. Style yours with a T-shirt and sneakers.

So….made in Japan? Is that supposed to justify the high price? Because ‘Japanese denim’ is a big deal for jeans snobs, unless you’re Japanese, then it’s ‘Made in the USA’ you’re looking for.

Here’s a close-up for your perusal:

St Laurent printed denim 2

I guess they’re trying to showcase the frayed edges, but is this feature really essential? Are you afraid that people will think your shorts are new?

You know what, go ahead and pay $750 for denim cut-offs if you’re that stupid. Be my guest.

Ner-a-porter, $750

Faux Shearling Trim: No.

Aug22

toga faux shearling jeans

At first glance, these jeans might be dismissed as merely ugly, but look again. They are hideous.

These flared jeans are trimmed at the cuffs with faux shearling and mixed-media embellishments – they are also cut shorter at the back to ensure they sit neatly over ankle boots or shoes.

God, why?

toga 2 faux shearling jeans

The shorter-at-the-back idea is a new twist, but aesthetically it is a solid failure. The people behind you will be frightened by the furry-looking things clinging to your hem.

Nothing is good here. The cut and stitching are unflattering, producing a cameltoe as an added insult.

Go ahead and buy these Toga jeans if you are completely nuts and need to waste $665.