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Velvet Patch Jeans $1,008

Sep12

velvet patch jeans 1008

These patchwork jeans by Kanye-approved label Off-White are not just overpriced bullshit.

They are reinterpreted Levi vintage jeans. So there, you philistine. Here’s what you get for the money:

• Button fly
• Reinforced zipper
• Branded loop pull
• Branded top button closure
• Five-pocket styling
• Velvet and denim patchwork details
• Levi’s branded patch
• Levi’s branded rivets
• Contrast stitching
• Classic fit
• 100% cotton
• Machine wash cool, line dry
• Made in Italy

If you have any friends who are Japanese style leaders or hip-hop stars, you will win their sincerest envy by wearing these jeans. Others will assume you got them at a yard sale or that your mom wore them to a 60’s love-in.

All the work that went into them, just to look like they’re one-of-a-kind! When they’re not!

You could outfit more than 100 people in vintage Levi’s for the same $1,008, by shopping at Goodwill.

But that would be stupid when these stunners might get you a nod from Kanye if he knew you existed.

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Off White+ Levis Edition Denim Jacket – $1,395

May6

off white + Levis edition denim jacket

This is a real mess that is not without an admirable disregard for appealing aesthetics.

It is a bold mishmash of undesirable elements, featuring ‘semi sheer organza panels’ with fading. distressing and staining throughout. It also has that chewed-by-squirrels aspect along the front seams that signify high end quality.

Sure, it’s $1,395, because the brand Off White is one of those Kayne-approved lines designed by some young French thug or something. Let’s not rush to judgement without seeing the rear view.

denim jacket offwhite levis rearview 1395

Now you can see where all the money went! All that fraying, the big cut-outs, will guarantee attention each time you turn your back. If you hear snickers, just ignore those stupid philistines who don’t get Luxury street-wear. Idiots. Nobodies.

 

Thank Junya For Raising The Bar

Sep28

junya denim dress 2 955

This denim and wool jersey dress by Junya Watanabe says ‘FUN!’ or maybe ‘SUCKER!’

Either way, I know we all love trompe l’oeil fashion because we are all surrealists at heart.

You know what, this is just too stupid. There is no excuse for it. Tie your jeans around a dress if you feel you must but don’t pay $955 for Junya to fuck around like this. Don’t encourage him.

Here, look at the back.

junya denim dress 3 955

Famed for his innovative ability to deconstruct silhouettes, Junya Watanabe designed this midi dress to look like two pieces in one. Detailed with a gathered asymmetric front, it’s cut from faded light-blue denim and black wool-jersey. We like it best paired with brogues.

When you walk, it will look even more upsetting.

Just wear brogues and hope no one recognizes you.

Net-a-porter, $955 and hurry, medium and large are already sold out.

Asymmetric Frayed Mini Dress

Aug12

marques almeida playsuit

Oh my god, how cute is this denim mini dress?!?

Marques’ Almeida’s dress is made from heavily frayed blue denim – a signature fabric from the label’s Fall ’15 runway. This mini-length style has been cut with a folded asymmetric skirt. Team yours with sneakers on off-duty days, or channel the show styling and wear it with metallic heels.

Just look at the detail here. It’s almost like origami, chewed by hungry little children in a faraway sweatshop.

Behold the rear view.

marques 2 frayed mini

Imagine that back sash-thing gently flapping against your thigh. Paradise.

$615 at net-a-porter

Denim Playsuit, $1,005

Jul14

Denim Playsuit Steve and Yoni

What is more stylish than a denim playsuit?

Let net-a-porter explain:

Steve J & Yoni P’s blue denim playsuit is your one-stop solution to effortless off-duty dressing. This relaxed design is fitted with plenty of practical pockets and features a tonal patch at the chest. Roll the sleeves and cuffs to add to its insouciant ease.

Right??

It is so totally effortless, except for the part about earning $1,005.00 to throw around. But listen, there’s a tonal patch at the chest, okay? That kind of thing isn’t going to be cheap. Tonal patches don’t grow on trees.

Now, here comes the insouciant rolled sleeves and cuffs:

Denim Playsuit 2 Steve and Yoni

I like that 80s-looking shoulder action, don’t you?

If looking like an overgrown child playing Engineer is your dream come true, hurry up and buy this ‘piece,’ ahem. There’s only ONE LEFT in size large!

 

Yohji Yamamoto Drop-Rise Jeans

Jul8

yohji yamamoto front 610

These stunning jeans are available exclusively at Barneys and you can see why.

Where else would you go looking for denim pants in a horrible faded wash that make you look like a hobo who needs a bathroom?

yohji yamamoto rear 610

The rear view is breathtaking, isn’t it? I love that the crotch is so near the ankle.

And the patch pockets are placed so artfully!

For those of you familiar with rise and inseam: 27″ rise, 17″ inseam.

Never argue with Yohji. Just fork over the $610 and never look back.

Is This Art, Or Just Sad?

Jun17

faustine jacket eww

‘This unique denim jacket is engineered to look unraveled.’

Well, the engineering is successful, at least. But why???

On sale for $924, this is obviously an investment piece. You could wear it to shreds and it would still be good as new.

Not that it’s good.

I can see it’s Art, in the sense that it is baffling. It’s not designed with function in mind: It’s a passive-aggressive way to impress your friends in the fashion world.

Faustine Steinmetz is probably a good name to throw around with It Girls, but otherwise she seems determined to create clothes that are pretentious and awful. Even the model is bummed out.

This jacket rates a full 10 out of ten.

Slogan Denim Trousers $275

Jun13

tigran avetisyan jeans 2

These oversized bleached black denim trousers have a wide leg and an elastic waistband stitched with the enigmatic phrase, “What Will Remain.”

Oh just shut up. They’re also unbelievably stupid from every angle.

Does the fact that the designer, Tigran Avetisyan, is a Russian hipster mitigate the awfulness of these ‘denim trousers?’ Not for me. No pass for Tigran.

If we’re grading strictly on unattractiveness, this is a ten out of ten. The shape, the hem, the stupid waistband slogan, pure eyesore.

But don’t worry, they’re sold out!