These patchwork jeans by Kanye-approved label Off-White are not just overpriced bullshit.
They are reinterpreted Levi vintage jeans. So there, you philistine. Here’s what you get for the money:
• Button fly
• Reinforced zipper
• Branded loop pull
• Branded top button closure
• Five-pocket styling
• Velvet and denim patchwork details
• Levi’s branded patch
• Levi’s branded rivets
• Contrast stitching
• Classic fit
• 100% cotton
• Machine wash cool, line dry
• Made in Italy
If you have any friends who are Japanese style leaders or hip-hop stars, you will win their sincerest envy by wearing these jeans. Others will assume you got them at a yard sale or that your mom wore them to a 60’s love-in.
All the work that went into them, just to look like they’re one-of-a-kind! When they’re not!
You could outfit more than 100 people in vintage Levi’s for the same $1,008, by shopping at Goodwill.
But that would be stupid when these stunners might get you a nod from Kanye if he knew you existed.
Why do these jeans by Roberto Cavalli cost $5,770?
Two words: Allover applique. (I know, ‘all over’ is usually two words but not in the description by Moda Operandi, one of my favorite fashion websites.)
Medium wash, 98 per cent cotton, 2 per cent elastane. Shit allover the place. Dry clean only.
I’m sure that plenty of time and effort were involved in producing these jeans but I have so many problems with them!
The 60’s are over, for starters.
And really, what message are you sending when you wear this? Are people supposed to think you sewed on the patches yourself? That you “found” the jeans in a thrift store? That they were once your mom’s and she wore them to Woodstock?
Or that you’re an imbecile who would spend nearly 6 thousand bucks for a pair of jeans?
Maybe they’re for Cher. Some woman in Neiman Marcus once confided to me that Roberto Cavalli is one of Cher’s favorite brands. This was like 100 years ago but I’m still offended that she thought this was a selling point.
Anyway, ew. Make them go away!
This is a real mess that is not without an admirable disregard for appealing aesthetics.
It is a bold mishmash of undesirable elements, featuring ‘semi sheer organza panels’ with fading. distressing and staining throughout. It also has that chewed-by-squirrels aspect along the front seams that signify high end quality.
Sure, it’s $1,395, because the brand Off White is one of those Kayne-approved lines designed by some young French thug or something. Let’s not rush to judgement without seeing the rear view.
Now you can see where all the money went! All that fraying, the big cut-outs, will guarantee attention each time you turn your back. If you hear snickers, just ignore those stupid philistines who don’t get Luxury street-wear. Idiots. Nobodies.
This fabulous jeans have sold out because I didn’t move fast enough, and if you want to kill me, stand in line.
I feel I have failed you connoisseurs of hideous denim with my chronic laziness. If I can make it up to you, let me know.
In any case, let’s admire these wondrous Dolce and Gabanna jeans, a museum piece that was well worth the $3,000 or $6,000 or whatever the fuck they went for.
Look at the back:
Imagine the crunchy feeling of sitting down!
How many blind Italian grandmas or nimble-fingered Roman street children worked themselves to exhaustion on these breathtaking denim collector’s pieces?
And how much fun for an OCD sufferer to patiently pick off each
cheap little embellishment?
Let us weep together at the glory that might have been if I weren’t so lazy.
Somewhere, some guy is masturbating to the above text.
Meanwhile, did you know that something could be ‘heavily curated for authenticity’?
Me neither. But Justin Bieber loves this brand, so it must be really good.
Find it here.
Remember when Tom Ford meant sophisticated and sexy?
Never mind. Tom Ford has lost its meaning as a brand and Tom Ford himself must have lost his mind.
Just look at this horrifying denim and fur jacket, priced at a baffling $5,590.00.
Stretch denim with dyed rabbit. Shouldn’t this be like $150 at Macy’s? I don’t understand! No comprende, Tom!
Here’s the back view, just so you have no illusions that the back is studded with Colombian emeralds.
Notice how awful those puffy shoulders look. Even the collar is offensive.
I hope you’ll agree this is a very special piece, combining visual repulsiveness with astronomical price, and a suggestion of moral bankruptcy.
This will be a hard act to follow but Tom may be up for it.
Only one left at Neiman Marcus!
Saint Laurent‘s high-rise denim shorts have been made in Japan and printed with stars – a signature motif. This pair has a frayed hem that gives them a love-worn finish. Style yours with a T-shirt and sneakers.
So….made in Japan? Is that supposed to justify the high price? Because ‘Japanese denim’ is a big deal for jeans snobs, unless you’re Japanese, then it’s ‘Made in the USA’ you’re looking for.
Here’s a close-up for your perusal:
I guess they’re trying to showcase the frayed edges, but is this feature really essential? Are you afraid that people will think your shorts are new?
You know what, go ahead and pay $750 for denim cut-offs if you’re that stupid. Be my guest.
Now at first glance, you’ll just go “Ew, what the hell is that crap?” because you haven’t been told it’s a ‘hand-embroidered Maori Mask patch.’
So get this:
All embellishments are done by male artisans in Southern India.
What a wondrous statement! Why ‘male’ artisans? Why Southern India, when Maori are the indigenous people of New Zealand?
Most of all, why does Figue think we should pay $1,200 for this eyesore? Is it because…
each reclaimed vintage Levi’s denim jacket [is] sourced by Stephanie for its wash and fit.
Stephanie, whoever you are, you have some fucking nerve.
Here is just what we’ve all been looking for: distressed patchwork jeans that are worth every penny of the $1,090 price tag.
Obviously, the work that goes into each pair of these Saint Laurent jeans is monumental. Look at all those little squares and rectangles, overlapped at random as if by blind pre-schoolers.
The patches remind me of those iron-on ones I used to get for my kid’s jeans, the kind that curl at the edges no matter how long you leave the iron on those fuckers.
I love the acid-washed color, too. That alone says “class.”
And here comes a big surprise: They are on sale for only $535, here! I am hoping Amal Clooney will discover these, they are just the kind of thing she loves – a flashback of 80’s Eurotrash at an inflated price.
Rest assured there is at least one person deluded enough to buy this atrocity, and she/he wears a size 27.
What is more stylish than a denim playsuit?
Let net-a-porter explain:
Steve J & Yoni P’s blue denim playsuit is your one-stop solution to effortless off-duty dressing. This relaxed design is fitted with plenty of practical pockets and features a tonal patch at the chest. Roll the sleeves and cuffs to add to its insouciant ease.
It is so totally effortless, except for the part about earning $1,005.00 to throw around. But listen, there’s a tonal patch at the chest, okay? That kind of thing isn’t going to be cheap. Tonal patches don’t grow on trees.
Now, here comes the insouciant rolled sleeves and cuffs:
I like that 80s-looking shoulder action, don’t you?
If looking like an overgrown child playing Engineer is your dream come true, hurry up and buy this ‘piece,’ ahem. There’s only ONE LEFT in size large!