These patchwork jeans by Kanye-approved label Off-White are not just overpriced bullshit.
They are reinterpreted Levi vintage jeans. So there, you philistine. Here’s what you get for the money:
• Button fly
• Reinforced zipper
• Branded loop pull
• Branded top button closure
• Five-pocket styling
• Velvet and denim patchwork details
• Levi’s branded patch
• Levi’s branded rivets
• Contrast stitching
• Classic fit
• 100% cotton
• Machine wash cool, line dry
• Made in Italy
If you have any friends who are Japanese style leaders or hip-hop stars, you will win their sincerest envy by wearing these jeans. Others will assume you got them at a yard sale or that your mom wore them to a 60’s love-in.
All the work that went into them, just to look like they’re one-of-a-kind! When they’re not!
You could outfit more than 100 people in vintage Levi’s for the same $1,008, by shopping at Goodwill.
But that would be stupid when these stunners might get you a nod from Kanye if he knew you existed.
These jeans are so pretty and versatile!
Let me describe them:
Classic denim pair updated with ostrich feathers
Right? What more do you need to know?
At $1,995.00, they squeak in at under two thousand dollars. Whew! Close one, Mr. Kors!
I love how the feathers start sprouting just under the knee… it’s so organic, almost, because that’s where the feathers always start.
The rear view is clean and classy:
Nothing to complain about here, except, you know.
Styled on the Fall ’16 runway over this mini dress, Miu Miu’s denim jacket has long tails inspired by traditional morning suits that fall below your knee. This piece is paneled with navy velvet to flatter the shoulders and has buttoned sleeve tabs that create a deliberate ruched, scrunched shape. Wear yours with the double-breasted front unfastened.
And at $2,265, are they really serious with this shit?
Here’s the front view.
Can you think of one thing you could wear with this that could mitigate the horror?
Didn’t think so.
What if you saw this at Salvation Army for ten dollars?
Miu Miu is just fucking with us.
Admit that these Fendi jeans are magnificent.
On sale at Neiman Marcus for just $2,250, they are sure to win admiring glances from goats, sheep, and llamas.
They’ll be going, “Look, someone forgot to finish shearing off her coat!”
They won’t really notice the classic five pocket skinny cut or the cotton/spandex fabric.
But you’ll feel like a million bucks for getting such a great deal, if you wear IT size 6 or 10.
I’m not sure if I want ‘bucks’ to be a pun here.
Yes! Let’s have it be a pun.
I don’t know what else to say about this special piece except that someone at Fendi needs to die.
“A shredded faded denim Faith Connexion skirt with the look of an oversized jacket. Snap closure. Unlined.”
Okay but why not just buy a huge denim jacket from a thrift-shop and tie it around your waist, if you want this look? At $501 (reduced from the original price of $836) you have to be really, really stupid to buy this tragic item.
Let’s check out the rear view:
Nope, not impressed.
Here’s a note about the brand.
The sleek, citified sensibility behind Faith Connexion apparel is inspired by elements of architecture and a pared-down, Parisian street-chic aesthetic.
Oh please. Just take it away.
This is a real mess that is not without an admirable disregard for appealing aesthetics.
It is a bold mishmash of undesirable elements, featuring ‘semi sheer organza panels’ with fading. distressing and staining throughout. It also has that chewed-by-squirrels aspect along the front seams that signify high end quality.
Sure, it’s $1,395, because the brand Off White is one of those Kayne-approved lines designed by some young French thug or something. Let’s not rush to judgement without seeing the rear view.
Now you can see where all the money went! All that fraying, the big cut-outs, will guarantee attention each time you turn your back. If you hear snickers, just ignore those stupid philistines who don’t get Luxury street-wear. Idiots. Nobodies.
This denim and wool jersey dress by Junya Watanabe says ‘FUN!’ or maybe ‘SUCKER!’
Either way, I know we all love trompe l’oeil fashion because we are all surrealists at heart.
You know what, this is just too stupid. There is no excuse for it. Tie your jeans around a dress if you feel you must but don’t pay $955 for Junya to fuck around like this. Don’t encourage him.
Here, look at the back.
Famed for his innovative ability to deconstruct silhouettes, Junya Watanabe designed this midi dress to look like two pieces in one. Detailed with a gathered asymmetric front, it’s cut from faded light-blue denim and black wool-jersey. We like it best paired with brogues.
When you walk, it will look even more upsetting.
Just wear brogues and hope no one recognizes you.
Net-a-porter, $955 and hurry, medium and large are already sold out.
A playful, asymmetrical Moschino miniskirt in classic denim. 5-pocket styling. Button closure and zip fly. Unlined.
Playful is often a synonym for “awful” apparently. I know that when I wear something a little unusual, like my weird old silver sneakers, some idiot will say “What fun shoes!” They might just as well scream EW!
So let’s call this skirt Playful and Fun. It looks sort of like a big denim handkerchief, only worse.
From the back, it’s just sad.
Why doesn’t Moschino just fire that cunt already???
$550 at Shopbop
At first glance, these jeans might be dismissed as merely ugly, but look again. They are hideous.
These flared jeans are trimmed at the cuffs with faux shearling and mixed-media embellishments – they are also cut shorter at the back to ensure they sit neatly over ankle boots or shoes.
The shorter-at-the-back idea is a new twist, but aesthetically it is a solid failure. The people behind you will be frightened by the furry-looking things clinging to your hem.
Nothing is good here. The cut and stitching are unflattering, producing a cameltoe as an added insult.
Go ahead and buy these Toga jeans if you are completely nuts and need to waste $665.
Now at first glance, you’ll just go “Ew, what the hell is that crap?” because you haven’t been told it’s a ‘hand-embroidered Maori Mask patch.’
So get this:
All embellishments are done by male artisans in Southern India.
What a wondrous statement! Why ‘male’ artisans? Why Southern India, when Maori are the indigenous people of New Zealand?
Most of all, why does Figue think we should pay $1,200 for this eyesore? Is it because…
each reclaimed vintage Levi’s denim jacket [is] sourced by Stephanie for its wash and fit.
Stephanie, whoever you are, you have some fucking nerve.