Patchwork Lounge-Pants, $1,500

denim patchwork drop-crotch lounge pants

So, these denim patchwork drop-rise lounge pants are the “work” of Greg Lauren, either a relative of Ralph or just some blind nutcase who has inexplicably been allowed to design clothing.

Priced at $1,500, this item comes with all the bells and whistles nobody wants on their jeans:  drawstring waist, ribbed knit cuffs, mismatched pockets, a carpenter’s loop, and a crotch that almost hits the knees.

Bingo, right?

Let’s not forget those patches and fake rips.

The rear view is breathtaking. Unless “breathholding” is a word.

denim patchwork drop-crotch lounge pants

They are still available in size 2 at Barneys.

Hurry! I’ll wait while you go order them.

Velvet Patch Jeans $1,008

velvet patch jeans 1008

These patchwork jeans by Kanye-approved label Off-White are not just overpriced bullshit.

They are reinterpreted Levi vintage jeans. So there, you philistine. Here’s what you get for the money:

• Button fly
• Reinforced zipper
• Branded loop pull
• Branded top button closure
• Five-pocket styling
• Velvet and denim patchwork details
• Levi’s branded patch
• Levi’s branded rivets
• Contrast stitching
• Classic fit
• 100% cotton
• Machine wash cool, line dry
• Made in Italy

If you have any friends who are Japanese style leaders or hip-hop stars, you will win their sincerest envy by wearing these jeans. Others will assume you got them at a yard sale or that your mom wore them to a 60’s love-in.

All the work that went into them, just to look like they’re one-of-a-kind! When they’re not!

You could outfit more than 100 people in vintage Levi’s for the same $1,008, by shopping at Goodwill.

But that would be stupid when these stunners might get you a nod from Kanye if he knew you existed.


Michael Kors Ostrich Feather Jeans

denim ostrich feather jeans michael kors

These jeans are so pretty and versatile!

Let me describe them:

Classic denim pair updated with ostrich feathers

Right? What more do you need to know?

At $1,995.00, they squeak in at under two thousand dollars. Whew! Close one, Mr. Kors!

I love how the feathers start sprouting just under the knee… it’s so organic, almost, because that’s where the feathers always start.

The rear view is clean and classy:

denim ostrich feather jeans 2

Nothing to complain about here, except, you know.



Miu Miu Brings The Crazy

denim miu miu jacket

Styled on the Fall ’16 runway over this mini dress, Miu Miu’s denim jacket has long tails inspired by traditional morning suits that fall below your knee. This piece is paneled with navy velvet to flatter the shoulders and has buttoned sleeve tabs that create a deliberate ruched, scrunched shape. Wear yours with the double-breasted front unfastened.

Jesus, no.

And at $2,265, are they really serious with this shit?

Here’s the front view.

miu miu denim velvet jacket2265

Can you think of one thing you could wear with this that could mitigate the horror?

Didn’t think so.

What if you saw this at Salvation Army for ten dollars?

Me neither.

Miu Miu is just fucking with us.

Skinny Denim Jeans With Shearling Fur Cuffs

Fendi Denim with fur cuffs 2250

Admit that these Fendi jeans are magnificent.

On sale at Neiman Marcus for just $2,250, they are sure to win admiring glances from goats, sheep, and llamas.

They’ll be going, “Look, someone forgot to finish shearing off her coat!”

They won’t really notice the classic five pocket skinny cut or the cotton/spandex fabric.

But you’ll feel like a million bucks for getting such a great deal, if you wear IT size 6 or 10.

I’m not sure if I want ‘bucks’ to be a pun here.

Yes! Let’s have it be a pun.

I don’t know what else to say about this special piece except that someone at Fendi needs to die.



Patchwork Jeans, $5,770

roberto-cavalli-jeans 5770

Why do these jeans by Roberto Cavalli cost $5,770?

Two words: Allover applique. (I know, ‘all over’ is usually two words but not in the description by Moda Operandi, one of my favorite fashion websites.)

Medium wash, 98 per cent cotton, 2 per cent elastane. Shit allover the place. Dry clean only.

roberto-cavalli-rearview 5770

I’m sure that plenty of time and effort were involved in producing these jeans but I have so many problems with them!

The 60’s are over, for starters.

And really, what message are you sending when you wear this? Are people supposed to think you sewed on the patches yourself? That you “found” the jeans in a thrift store? That they were once your mom’s and she wore them to Woodstock?

Or that you’re an imbecile who would spend nearly 6 thousand bucks for a pair of jeans?

Maybe they’re for Cher. Some woman in Neiman Marcus once confided to me that Roberto Cavalli is one of Cher’s favorite brands. This was like 100 years ago but I’m still offended that she thought this was a selling point.

Anyway, ew. Make them go away!



The Denim Shirt Skirt: I Think Not.

denim shirt skirt faith connection“A shredded faded denim Faith Connexion skirt with the look of an oversized jacket. Snap closure. Unlined.”

Okay but why not just buy a huge denim jacket from a thrift-shop and tie it around your waist, if you want this look? At $501 (reduced from the original price of $836) you have to be really, really stupid to buy this tragic item.

Let’s check out the rear view:

denim shirt skirt rear view

Nope, not impressed.

Here’s a note about the brand.

The sleek, citified sensibility behind Faith Connexion apparel is inspired by elements of architecture and a pared-down, Parisian street-chic aesthetic.

Oh please. Just take it away.



Off White+ Levis Edition Denim Jacket – $1,395

off white + Levis edition denim jacket

This is a real mess that is not without an admirable disregard for appealing aesthetics.

It is a bold mishmash of undesirable elements, featuring ‘semi sheer organza panels’ with fading. distressing and staining throughout. It also has that chewed-by-squirrels aspect along the front seams that signify high end quality.

Sure, it’s $1,395, because the brand Off White is one of those Kayne-approved lines designed by some young French thug or something. Let’s not rush to judgement without seeing the rear view.

denim jacket offwhite levis rearview 1395

Now you can see where all the money went! All that fraying, the big cut-outs, will guarantee attention each time you turn your back. If you hear snickers, just ignore those stupid philistines who don’t get Luxury street-wear. Idiots. Nobodies.


Dolce And Gabbana Embellished Jeans: Sold Out

hideous embellished jeans dolce and gabbana

This fabulous jeans have sold out because I didn’t move fast enough, and if you want to kill me, stand in line.

I feel I have failed you connoisseurs of hideous denim with my chronic laziness. If I can make it up to you, let me know.

In any case, let’s admire these wondrous Dolce and Gabanna jeans, a museum piece that was well worth the $3,000 or $6,000 or whatever the fuck they went for.

Look at the back:

hideous embellished jeans 2 dolce and gabbana

Imagine the crunchy feeling of sitting down!

How many blind Italian grandmas or nimble-fingered Roman street children worked themselves to exhaustion on these breathtaking denim collector’s pieces?

And how much fun for an OCD sufferer to patiently pick off each cheap little embellishment?

Let us weep together at the glory that might have been if I weren’t so lazy.